My Body Is A Cage
by LooneyLovey
Summary: 'Craving, the pull of it drew me deeper into my spiral downwards ... maybe it would be better for everyone if I slept for a long, long time. '


**Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds, or any of the characters in the show.**

**Spoiler alert: this takes place after episode 6x18 'Lauren' and it does contain major spoilers if you haven't seen that episode. You have been warned.

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Reid's POV.

No, it can't be true. No, it can't be. She can't be dead. She was the only one who knew ... what am I going to do now? What happens if-

"Spence? Hey, Spence?"

I didn't look up. I couldn't.

"You ready?"

There were voices; they were muffled, almost as if they were under water.

"Spencer."

One of the muffled voices yelled this time.

I looked up.

"It's JJ, Spence."

I looked blankly at her.

"Are you ready to go?"

I shook my head.

"No?" she questioned, as though she hadn't seen the shake of my head.

"Okay then, we'll sit here a little longer."

Emily. Emily was the person who knew. The only person who knew I was using again. Now she's gone. Gone. She's gone.

"Gone," my voice was faint, raw. As if I hadn't used it in a while.

I stared at a piece of moss.

More, a voice inside my head whispered, more.

"Yes, she's gone Spence."

She looked pained.

"Spencer ... do you understand?"

How could I not? We were sitting in front of her. In front of the woman who wouldn't let me hide away from my addiction, the woman who held my hand, and soothed me with comforting words as she helped over my many relapses.

"Yes ... I do. Gone," my voice didn't sound any better.

Gone.

She didn't tell me. I trusted her, she knew everything, but I never knew her. Not really.

"JJ?" another voice asked. She looked behind her.

I heard her speak up, "He's catatonic Hotch, at the most he says a few words, but they're the same ones." I saw her pause, and take a breath, "Do you think-"

"No," his voice was firm.

"But surely-"

"JJ," he was the one who sounded pained now, "clearance."

The words, their words didn't make sense, why did they say clearance. _What was going on?_

"I'll clear it. He can't function, Hotch; you know what happened last time."

Silence. There was silence after they talked.

"Tell her."

Who was _her_? What were they not telling people?

She turned her attention back to me.

Gone. She was gone. Emily was gone.

"Spencer," I looked up, I wanted answers. "I think we should go and talk ... somewhere private." She added after a cursory glance around.

Answers, I would like answers.

"Fine," I mumbled, trying to ignore the voice inside my head.

What would she say?

I don't remember getting into the car, or walking into the building, or sitting in Hotch's office. I haven't remembered many things since ... gone, she's gone.

"Spence?"

Voices were muffled again.

Craving, that's the only thing, the only feeling, I knew. I had to have it. More.

"Spencer," the voice was deeper, gruffer this time.

Silence. Craving. Pain.

I felt a sharp sting to the side of my face and then heat ... someone had slapped me.

"What?" I said, with a voice which sounded foreign to my own ears.

"We need you alert Reid, we have something important to tell you."

"What could you possibly have to say that I'd be interested in at the moment in time?" I sounded rude. I didn't care. I couldn't care anymore.

Gone, she's gone.

"Hotch, he's not listening again."

Craving, the pull of it drew me deeper into my spiral downwards ... maybe it would be better for everyone if I slept for a long, long time.

"Reid," a voice bellowed. My mind was alert; what was going on? Why was Hotch shouting?

"Yes."

"Emily is alive."

I felt my breath leave me. _What? _What does he mean she's alive, she couldn't be alive, she's ... she's gone. Emily's gone. She can't be alive. We buried her yesterday.

"Spencer, Emily is alive; I saw her yesterday."

"But how? You ... no, can't be ... we buried her yesterday!" my voice rose with astonishment, didn't they remember?

JJ sighed. "She's alive Spencer, and so is Doyle. She's trying to protect us again, but we know this time. We know," she mumbled, more to herself than to me. "She's not dead Spencer, she's alive. I can't tell you anymore than that; you don't have the clearance for it."

I sat there, dumfounded, at the information I had just been given. Emily was alive ... she wasn't dead.

I could feel my brain begin to work again, some of the fog lifted. She's not gone. She's alive.

I felt moisture leak out of the corner of my eye, I ignored it.

More silence, but this silence allowed me the time to process the fact that she's alive. Emily is alive.

"Reid?"

I looked at him. "Yes, Hotch?"

"You can't tell anybody. If you do she will be in danger, and we can't have that. Neither JJ nor I can tell you much more than the fact that she is alive, but I get the feeling that's all you need to know."

"How," I stopped and cleared my throat, "how long will it be before I see her again?"

I saw JJ smile at me; she knew my relationship with Emily. She knew that Emily was the closest thing I had to family, sane family, which I could say with an absolute certainty I loved more than anything in the world.

It was then that I decided to look up, I saw Hotch sitting, his head in his hands, behind his desk. I didn't notice it before, I couldn't, my mind was too focused on thecraving_, _but it wasn't just me who had lost something, Hotch had too, all of the team had, but Hotch had lost his girlfriend – his lover. If I was feeling this bad, then how was he feeling?

"We don't know; it could be months before we hear from her again. But, she is alive, and that's the thing to remember."

I saw awkwardly before the man and woman in front of me, and I felt a flush of embarrassment wash over me as I though back to my earlier behaviour.

"I'm sorry about before Hotch, JJ, it's just-"

"We know Spence; you don't have to explain it to us. We know." She bent down to give me a hug, and then slipped out of the door, shutting it quietly after her.

I looked at Hotch.

"I knew for some time about Doyle, we had a plan of what would happen when the team caught on. Needless to say, we didn't plan this. I didn't think she would go off looking for him by herself. But, I should have know," he said to himself, "she'd told me that she couldn't risk anybody getting hurt because of her past."

I saw him open one of the draws of his desk, and then slide a small manila envelope towards me.

"It's a letter from Emily, she told me to give it to you when I got the chance."

My hands shook slightly as I reached for the letter. From the corner of my eye, I saw Hotch get up and leave, shutting both the door and the blinds on his way out.

_Spencer, _

_Let me start off by saying that I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done to you, and what I've put you through. I don't deserve your forgiveness. _

_I'm also guessing that by now Hotch and JJ have caved, and told you that I'm still alive. I'm not angry with them, and had I had the time to, I would have told you personally as I did with the - my meeting with Aaron and JJ was only brief, an hour at best. But I couldn't risk it, Doyle is still out there, and I need to be the one to find and kill him. _

_Yes, I did just write 'kill him'. He won't stop otherwise, and it has to be me; I'm the one he has the vendetta towards, no one else, me. _

_The real purpose of my letter, Spencer, is that I want you to promise me something. I want you to promise me that you'll keep up with what we started, you have to, I won't be there to help you and it will be harder, but you can do it Spence, I know you. And, as though I'm not already asking a lot from you, I want you to tell Aaron. Tell him what you told me, or at least some of it; he can help you where I can't. I know this will be hard Spence, but I don't know how long I will be gone, and I need to know you'll ask for help if you need it. _

_I have to end this letter now, I would write you a longer one, but I have to go; I have to be debriefed by JJ, and write a letter to Hotch. I will write again, when I can, but it may not be for some time. _

_I'm counting on you kid,_

_Emily. _

Alive. Not gone, she's alive.

I swiped at the moisture which came from the corners of my eyes, and then I re-read the letter, and then I didn't bother to swipe at the moisture. I just sat in the dark, blind-covered room, until I felt my world right itself again, and felt the cravings recede a little.

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**Just a little something I wrote and edited in under an hour, after watching Criminal Minds all day. **

**Leave a little review to tell me what you think? :) **


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